Sometimes i wish i could run away from all this.....I wish i could run away from the fact that Amanda isn't who she once was, and i'm never gonna get the amanda i knew from childhood back...i mean, we practically grew-up together and to see what she has done to her life is very upsetting !...
Part of me wants to hit her upside the head and yell at her....the other part of me wants to feel sorry for her....The girl has never really had a chance...terrible childhood...all that stress...it was crazy....insane stupid family life...her mom is a *itch/*lut..i'm sorry but she truly is....sadly Amanda is just a repeat of her....so why do i care all these years later ?...because i love her...she is family...and i wanted better for her than what she has become...really messed up this time...nobody can save her because i think her mind is gone from all the drugs...i really think she has lost her mind...
Yeah, i know that if i was to ever say anything to her about what all she has done is wrong...i know she would get mad and throw something at me or yell at me...just for caring....but i have always been the one in control, the reasonable one, the responsible one between the 2 of us....the one who is cautious and looked out for her.....but i can't help someone who does not want to be helped...maybe she really is so far gone mentally now that she doesn't realize what all she has done to herself/her life ?...maybe she doesn't care....
YES i do know that there is absolutley nothing that anyone can do to save her/help her now...i have accepted that....nothing at all...no amount of talking, caring, or lectures from anyone will help her....I would love to go up to those sorry piece of *hit guys who fully know that she's not all mentally all there now and keep on using her for sex/drugs and i would LOVE to kick their *sses!!!!..That would be a dream come true !.....
As Dad and Uncle Pete have both tried to run the losers out of her life, and lecture/protect her...it hasn't worked...i truly think that has severely hurt them both that they can't help her or change her ways.....they know that too.....
Nobody in my family has ever judged people for their actions and Dad & Uncle Pete both have been wild as hell and still are....but they have lived through the drug days and can see that they want to help her overcome that lifestyle she's living.....
I seriously don't know why people do drugs, become addicted....but i don't judge them for that...i think it must come from a deep pain inside their heart...from being let down and hurt/betrayed by someone they loved/trusted......
BUT i have been hurt and betrayed by loved ones and though it may have hurt me so bad....i never once dealt w/my internal pain emotions w/drugs...i've always dealt w/it through creativity..painting, writing, music.....i've healed that way...spiritually,emotionally,mentally....but i am also a spiritual person..not a serious jesus freak or bible beater....LOL....but i do pray for direction from god when i need it...it works most times...if not you wait and find the answer....
going to Apache prayer chants w/Eli is really enlightening...Do cherokees have those ?......haha...i like to look at myself like that kevin fowler song...it suits me totally...i'm part cherokee, redneck, hippy...haha !...i am a weird combination of things....i like all kinds of things...
i look at things/life so differently than just looking at a person/situation just in ONE way...does that make sense ?....probably not...lol..i see it from their point of view and i never judge...
But anyway, each mind is different...i hope i never have to hit that rock bottom avenue of pain & suffering that i result to the drugs & low self esteem...i hope & pray i never do...i just want everyone to NOT use/abuse drugs...ever !...it makes me sad to see someone do that to themselves...if they just wanna get high...why not get lost in music, or find a new obsession?...it's easy to get obsessed & lost....haha...
enough talking...
p.s.Travis & Amy & Eli---if you wanna comment on this you have to make a blog or something...that's why it won't work !....i know you guys couldn't figure it all out !..you don't have to post if you don't wanna..i know you will see/read this..
~xoxo~
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