We had a cook-out yesterday with family at Dad's house...it was eventful....me & Sarah didn't get there til about 5pm because we had to go work(move cows and build a fence where they tore it down)...we were tired and it was super hot outside as always....
We go to his house and he met us at the door and Mark,Diego,Jeff,Rich,Looper, and a few of the other rodeo people/friends were there on the lawn in chairs drinking beer, smoking and talking.....We get to the door and he gave us both a really long hug....so that means something is upsetting him...or he's about to get emotional...
so he said:"Take a seat..sit down, and cool off!"...he started acting really quiet and he goes:" Well...i got news...it's not bad, but not too good, it bothers me, and i can't do anything about it." and we were both thinking:"Omg.....uh...what now?"....
he said:"Well...seems as though...i'm gonna have to take my cowboy job back out in the panhandle west texas, i found out yesterday...and that means things are gonna change drastically around here indefinitely..i'm not gonna be home much anymore except for 1 weekend a month....i hate the hell outta this and i wanna be home and be around here nearby for you girls every damn day....but i can't....my oil field job ended and this old job is steady, good pay, but i gotta move back out there...so...." and he started crying....then we did.
i was all making up excuses and reasons why he didn't need to move back out there to work and how he could find a job working somewhere else and how it wasn't fair....and Sarah is crying and she's saying:" But why so long and far away?..we only get to see you 1 weekend a month!?" and he's crying drying his eyes and he goes:"It's a good job and the money is good...it's a guaranteed job...there's just no other resource...the oil field job is done...so i gotta do what i gotta do....you can always come and see me anytime for a week,or hell,even get you two a job out there working....but grandpa needs your help i know."
I know i'm old enough that i shouldn't be this upset about the fact that my Dad is moving out there to work again for a very long time....it's just that i rely on him so much for emotional support, encouragement, care/love, security, he's just this tough guy that i look to so much to be the hero in a world gone crazy...and when he's not here..i lose that feeling that it's all ok...because my hero isn't here...he's gonna be working cowboy work again in west texas....not here..because he and we all thought he would be home here in oklahoma from now on to work...but whatever....lots of people's dad's work away from them for long periods of time...like Travis said last night his Dad used to stay gone working in foreign countries almost his entire life..he'd see him only 1 week every 3 months or so his entire life....
but then again hopefully we will be able to drive out to see him or pick him up and bring him home for the weekend...it all depends on gas prices and the hot weather....so be happy things aren't always gonna be this way..things can change.
and i usually look for other people in our family to be my "replacement dad hero" while he's gone...isn't that stupid?!.....i wonder if he even really knows how much me & Sarah look to him for all these things...he means so much to us....we just miss him more than anything....and i know he misses us....i mean that is a huge responsibility to uphold being our hero....how does he manage?
so after we all cried, we went back outside and talked to grandma and the aunts,various friends etc....He was sad all evening and Mark was drunk and he stared saying something about dad having to go back to work out there again, and having to move,rent a house...and some other smart*ss arrogant drunk crap and Dad just flipped and he started yelling at Mark and shoved him:" F***Y**!"....and Diego & Jeff had to play referee and stop him from knocking Mark on his *ss......it was sooooo stupid...yep...that's how my family rolls....everything 100miles per hour no slowing down....
so that made a scene and everyone was just like:"Oh...well Chad is just pissed again..no big deal." and they went back to talking....he kept glaring at Mark and they mouthed mean smart *ss stuff at each other all evening...they were both pretty drunk by then....Mark tries to be our replacement father figure and it makes Dad upset that he is trying to take his place in our lives and just throws money at us or fun things to go see and Dad feels turmoil and anger because Mark is here, has caboodles of money and Dad can't be here for us or go places with us.....
i guess what i'm trying to say is he doesn't like Mark playing dad to us...he gets real jealous...because he is our Dad...not him.....and i can understand that he must feel left out when he has to be away from us so long....last time he said unsmiling, when he had to leave:" Mark is not your Dad..i am."
Dad started getting really animated and loose and started quoting words of wisdom to us, laughing, getting loud, and then getting emotional...we left about 10pm...we just had dinner off the grill and then blue slushes from Sonic with Captain Morgan in them....good stuff...lol...we were both sleepy and emotional...so while they were playing horse shoes near the yard lights we went over and told Dad we were going...he goes:" Goin' already?! hell it's just 10pm....well....ok"...he hugged us both really tight and i said:"Stay cool out there...and miss ya." and he cried, hugged us tighter.....he kept crying...he watched us go...i hope what i said didn't make him more sad..
he leaves today to go back out there and i just saw him drive by earlier...slowly...with a sad look on his face so he's just left....it's probably a good thing he didn't stop by and he knows it because he would be worse than an emotional wreck...it's killing him he has to leave again for so long and far away..i'm really worried about how he's gonna take this.....he is very complicated...
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