daydreams PLEASE come true.....

Spent today waiting on the welder to finish installing a new gate on the road back behind the barn that winds onto this place...Yes it's got a big padlock on it now!...Due to the fact that there has been so much stealing and trespassing at night back in that area of the place...It's a lot of stealing everywhere...anything junk iron they can pick up and carry off or sell at a pawn shop they will get it.....

I know times are tough for everyone but geeze, don't be a jerk and steal from people...if someone would just ask me if they can have junk iron or whatever is over there I would sure think it over for them....but stealing???....seriously!...i'm just really concerned about cattle rustling..sometimes at nite when I can't sleep and I hear a vehicle stop down the road and a few cows are mooing I think:"Oh No!...I hope someone isn't rustling"..i peek out the windows and everything....like a scaredy cat...lol..

there has been a lot of county cops drive through the roads at night out this way so hopefully they will keep a watchful eye out for prowlers...lol....but I've got a gun and I will defend myself/place if I have to....

spent this weekend with a few friends went shopping and had pizza.

one of my friends brought up how much she wished that she could live in her daydreams....IF ONLY that could happen right?!....I don't daydream of anything outrageous or extravagant.....just wanting things to be right with my family....the way I want them to be....what will happen and where will we go?all the fun we will have again......man...I sooooooo hope my daydreams will come true the way I want!...I mean come on world!!!...i'm not asking for hardly anything...just those few simple,silly things I envision for my family and i.....please..please.....haha....i'm trying anyway*fingers crossed*

nite.

think positively.....

I like this song...

As always I love fall...it's my favorite season...I've decorated and I am excited for the cooler weather this week....Changing of seasons is always fun...kinda out with the old in with the new...change is always awesome...but only if it's friendly and on my terms....right?....lol

i'm feeling better today after talking with my grandma who informed me that what I encountered last week with a beloved family member was not at all what I thought....there was a reason for the emotionless soul looking back at me and uttering a few words...and that yes this person I cherish DID in fact cry as I drove away and DID wipe away tears...*yay*..lol.....

see,i don't know the half of what is REALLY going on right now....she said it's best for me to remain in the dark about it all....there will be light at the end of the storm....she said sometimes people have to do all they can to protect us from what surrounds us we don't know of....because they love you so much....

I know there was pain there and now looking back at last week I could see it in family member's face......grandma's words gave me hope and shined light on what my heart overlooked...all I saw was the feeling of emotionless cold pushing me away...and I don't think that's what it was at all now really...PMS can cloud your mind!...haha..

I just have so many questions and things I wanted to say that I didn't get to say...but I wouldn't have gotten the answers anyhow because I can't have them..yet.

so I have hope and I shall keep a positive attitude....I am loved and cared about by this loved one...

besides....it's not December yet.

things you wish you didn't know....

Sometimes you wish you didn't actually know all the bad things about people you love...all their faults and misbehavior...it makes them look less in your eyes ya know?.kinda a huge let down and at the same time breaks your heart.....

after this past week my heart has been through a lot of turmoil(read my last post)....I found myself hitting the road everyday of the week to escape home and my feelings....and the pain I have felt because of the way a family member treated me-basically like I didn't matter....I traveled halfway across the state with friends just to try and escape my heartache and feelings.....but it didn't work.......

I found myself surrounded by laughter and positivity and all the while fighting back a ton of  sad tears....No i'm in no way a drama queen or emo...it's just that I get my feelings hurt easily and especially who made me cry is what hurts the most....I wasn't screamed at or belittled or made fun of..it was just like I didn't really matter or exist that hurt me most.

I've tried a million different ways the past few days to explain my family member's behavior....and I can't do that..i don't know what this person is going through actually...I just know some real troubles this person has gotten into..things I really wish I didn't know...(tears)

but maybe it kinda causes(family member) pain to see me...because of the circumstances in their life?....I don't know really....i'm no fool and I sense a bit of that there with them.it looked like they wiped tears away as I got into the car......sure I don't know even half of the crap that is going on right now but something would be good to know, even a little bit.

I find myself this week wanting to do something to throw the pain right back in my (family member's face) so they can see how I felt..i want them to feel the same way....i'm hoping they do...just to think that maybe this week they cried all night too would make me smile ya know?....I can only hope!!!*fingers crossed*

and now my world is turned upside down all because I saw this family member and felt no warmth at all.....I've gotta get over this somehow and deal with the pain...but it has totally given me a negative outlook on holidays and the future....

i'm the girl who slaps a smile on her face and portrays happiness and positivity even when i'm crumbling inside and so hurt.....i'm really tired of being that girl...just once I want my family member to be upset over me like that..and cry..to see how it feels..

at least maybe then I could see that they care....who knows maybe they already have.

heartbroken.....

I think I get my heart broken everyday.

All it takes is the wrong words or reaction from someone I love/care about and boom! heartbroken.

I spent the most of yesterday evening and last night up until a few hours ago at 1am til I finally fell asleep...to finally stop the crying....and why I don't know.

there's been so much turmoil in my family for the past 2years where I don't even know anymore what is really going on..who really cares about me? and who doesn't really?...it just really hurt me yesterday after seeing a certain family member and having that person be sorta cold and indifferent...kinda like I didn't really even matter anymore....I just kept a stupid smile on my face and stayed positive to this person and cut the conversation short and left...all the while crying my eyes out on the way home...

it just really broke my heart and I don't even care anymore...you know you have people in your life you look up to and sorta put on a pedestal in your life because you think so much of them and when they basically brush you off it really hurts....

I'm so upset I'm thinking to myself that the whole world is coming to an end, i'm totally moving far away from my family, and how stupid was I to think that they really care about me...your family is supposed to be warm and caring toward you...but I guess not.

i'm so heart broken over the way I was treated that I don't know if I will ever get over yesterday...sure this loved one could have been having a bad day...but it left it's impression on my heart and broke it the damage is done.

why do I even care anymore?

I should be used to being let down by people I care about by now.

i'm baaaaack!!!....

Wow....it's me blog....4 months later--here I come dragging myself back in here.

I've been internet-less the past few months due to high winds and computer problems..somedays I have wondered if I would EVER get my internet back up and blog again!!!

you know how things go out here in the middle of nowhere...yeah so....

I had a lot of exciting things going on the past few months...like the tornados in OKC...getting reacquainted with old friends I thought I would never see again....and I learned that yeah I can live without internet and all the techy things in this life.....it felt good again to just be tech-less....

I'm just fine without all the extra knowledge of useless things floating out there in the online world.

I have missed iTunes though ;)

and my notebook diary is dirty and worn/torn....covered in cow poop.....haha...

still haven't seen my dad....but I have hope I will.....miss him.

anyhow.

happy Friday the 13th...lol

julia