journal again......

The past few months have been very challenging, depressing, upsetting, very much stressful, painful....

My mother passed away to heaven in November, she battled cancer that returned from years back, the doctors called it mestatic, endocrine cancer........my mother was NEVER involved in anything drug related........she had endocrine cancer from her genetics, I think it is inherited, genetics, Native American blood often has this type of cancer occur I have been told.......

It was very much a depressing event to feel helpless, losing my mother to terminal cancer.....you know I couldn't prevent or stop her from dying, going up there to the Lord, but I know it must have just been her time.........I know we all die eventually, we just don't really know when, we can't always stop cancer from forming, but we can try to prevent it...........animals, pets, humans, all can have genetics for cancer or have something cause the cancer, smokes, allergens, too much excess, and diseases can mutate cause cancers...........I have been frightened of cancer my entire life ! We all die someday I know, can't live forever......apart of life is death, it has to happen to us each one.

Taking care of my mother through this battle of cancer was very depressing, shocking, upsetting to my heart and soul, very painful to watch her die from the cancer........but when I am her child I know I took very good care of her throughout her battle, attentive, ALWAYS there for her, me, my brother, my grandma, having some family there through these darkest days, helped somewhat, but you know it didn't stop the hurt, pain......

I told my brother that day she died that I knew that certainly all over the earth somewhere, somebody else is losing a parent to cancer, probably millions of others going through the same pain, upset, affliction we are, everyday we lose those we love somewhere someone is losing a loved one.......that's just life, it is VERY painful, weirdness in your life, losing a loved one.......knowing she's not coming back and not here for me to chat with, learn from, laugh with, cry with, enjoy life with !!!! 

Losing her right at the holidays of thanksgiving, Christmas, and watching her suffering in October through Halloween, it was that much more painful knowing it was the last time I would see her, I won't see her at holidays ever again, for some reason it was more hurtful........????

Seems NOT fair to lose her at such an early age !!! I know I will forever miss her, and I can only take with me through my life the greatness she has given me being my mother !!! She taught me to be ONLY of goodness, honesty, TRUTH, pure, kindness, care / love, and to be a tough bitch !!! Take up for yourself, NEVER let someone throw you down, stand up keep fighting, she taught me this, told me to always fight back, take care of myself, because often you will have no one there to help you !!! To be safe + careful watch out for those you love / care for and watch out for your own self ! Remain tough and battle on ! Lol......

We need to always take with us in our hearts, minds, souls all of these wonderful life lessons from great loved ones who have taught us well ! Battle on ! Stay true, solid, tough bad asses !!! Don't back down from evil !

Losing someone as wonderful as my mother, I know it is difficult to ever overcome !!! Such a void there in my life, heart ! It hurts and it will for many years....

This is life, but I am feeling some better.........just very LOST, upset, adjusting to life at home and tending to shopping errands, cooking alone, farm work, just all these ways / ideas she's NOT there, just a challenge, weirdness without her.......if I have questions about anything, I turn around to ask her, and she's not there !!! Very depressing.

I know we ALL go through death, loss, separation, but it is very difficult for any of us to ever overcome.....

Hoping to blog more often now, I feel better to place my thoughts feeling, my days onto a journal page, helpful to my heart, mind, soul, so much to purge from my mind, helps me to feel some better......

Love, j.