Today was kinda busy...and stressful...I don't know who in the world is dropping nails all over the roads around here....if i could find out who it is i would make them go fix every stinking flat tire i get!!!...i swear this weekend i have had to fix 4 tires all with nails in them!!!...4!!!...but the boys at the garage fix them for me for free!!!....haha!.....still seriously hope they aren't getting in trouble for doing that for me free...i try to pay but they won't let me!.oh well....thanks boys!
ok, here goes...i have a lot on my mind/heart tonight....i found out today that a cousin of mine just got life for selling/making meth and stealing...i'd be lying if i said it doesn't bother me...because it does....BUT he had a problem and he had several chances to get his life together....he didn't...he slipped over into the abyss and couldn't get out of that darkness.....now he's in jail....i guess where he needs to be...
i had word sent to him by an aunt a year ago who occasionally saw him in her hometown..i told her to tell him i was worried about him to call me,come to see me, or write me...he apparently got better after that, and wanted to talk to me....but he never had the chance to because he was too far away and too poor to call me or drive out here...i thought:"ok..don't worry he's getting better"..you know?
i keep thinking that if maybe i could have seen him/hugged him and told him i wanted to help him i could have saved him from this?.....he just needed to know that someone cared about him....and i think that he knows i do care about him very much..he just got lost...i've always felt sooooo protective over him and felt sorry for him...we're the same age...and i love him like a brother....
he grew up very poor and neglected by his hillbilly mother who got him into the drugs and basically has treated him like dirt..and he doesn't know who his real dad is.....it just makes me cry so much for him..he's really a sweet person and he really deserves better than this....he just made the wrong choices...they say they have to hit rock bottom before they can get better....he will have to get better now...
it just makes me so mad & upset that i could just go find his sorry piece of crap excuse for a mother and kick her damn face in...but i have a strong feeling she's gonna get karma thrown her way...i hate that woman for the way she has treated him and everybody else..she needs to be in jail for all the stuff she has caused and the way she treated him!...well....times a tickin' ol' gal'..
so tonight here i sit upset and crying...thinking of a million things i wanna tell him...and how i wanna reach out to him and just hug him...because i'm sure he's scared....and i can't do anything to help him now...all i can do is find out where he is going to be incarcerated at, and send him letters of encouragement/support and let him know that all is not lost...i'm here for him...sarah said she's going to write him and an aunt said she would....
i mean i just don't understand why in the crap they wanna do those stupid drugs and basically kill themselves with it..destroy their lives..I mean come on!....it just really bothers me..tremendously...breaks my heart they do this to themselves!.. ;( i know it's a very complicated thing...pain they try to medicate/mental illnesses/no self-worth/no self-respect/low self-esteem/boredom....could be a combination of things..i don't really know....
i wouldn't EVER judge anyone for something like that...i haven't lived the shitty life he has had to endure..i don't know all the facts and i can't hate on someone for bad choices you know?...he's family and i will always care about him....i have to be there for him..i'm supposed to be the supportive uplifting one because i'm in the right place.....
it's just fate that i am the one to make the effort to be a ray of sunshine to all of my dysfunctional family members...i have the personality and the caring side to me....and i want to be that for them...because god knows i'm the only one in this family that can/will do it!!!....haha!...
You know what's sad is when someone texts you and asks sometimes:"Hey what are you doing?" and you say:"Oh,just looking up cousin so an so on the state jail website...seeing if he looks different while in jail and is ok"...lol...kinda funny i know, but sad at the same time....he won't be the last one to be going probably...so i have my heart braced for the sorta shocking news about the next one....
getting sleepy..it's thundering and there's a tornado watch out tonight...looks like another no sleep night....
kisses.
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