things you wish you didn't know....

Sometimes you wish you didn't actually know all the bad things about people you love...all their faults and misbehavior...it makes them look less in your eyes ya know?.kinda a huge let down and at the same time breaks your heart.....

after this past week my heart has been through a lot of turmoil(read my last post)....I found myself hitting the road everyday of the week to escape home and my feelings....and the pain I have felt because of the way a family member treated me-basically like I didn't matter....I traveled halfway across the state with friends just to try and escape my heartache and feelings.....but it didn't work.......

I found myself surrounded by laughter and positivity and all the while fighting back a ton of  sad tears....No i'm in no way a drama queen or emo...it's just that I get my feelings hurt easily and especially who made me cry is what hurts the most....I wasn't screamed at or belittled or made fun of..it was just like I didn't really matter or exist that hurt me most.

I've tried a million different ways the past few days to explain my family member's behavior....and I can't do that..i don't know what this person is going through actually...I just know some real troubles this person has gotten into..things I really wish I didn't know...(tears)

but maybe it kinda causes(family member) pain to see me...because of the circumstances in their life?....I don't know really....i'm no fool and I sense a bit of that there with them.it looked like they wiped tears away as I got into the car......sure I don't know even half of the crap that is going on right now but something would be good to know, even a little bit.

I find myself this week wanting to do something to throw the pain right back in my (family member's face) so they can see how I felt..i want them to feel the same way....i'm hoping they do...just to think that maybe this week they cried all night too would make me smile ya know?....I can only hope!!!*fingers crossed*

and now my world is turned upside down all because I saw this family member and felt no warmth at all.....I've gotta get over this somehow and deal with the pain...but it has totally given me a negative outlook on holidays and the future....

i'm the girl who slaps a smile on her face and portrays happiness and positivity even when i'm crumbling inside and so hurt.....i'm really tired of being that girl...just once I want my family member to be upset over me like that..and cry..to see how it feels..

at least maybe then I could see that they care....who knows maybe they already have.