Monday, December 9, 2013

snow+ice= stuck at home

Totally been snowed/iced in for a week....roads so bad you can't drive anywhere.Had to have feed delivered in this past Thursday by feed company with a semi...could hardly make the curves around to the barn to unload!!!...dangerous.

ponds completely FROZE...ice skating?....um...better not....Haha!

It was 10 degrees Saturday morning and you talk about COLD!..Brr!...My internet has been acting crazy due to the ice freezing over my satellite so I gave up getting it to work...thawed yesterday so I can get online now..hopefully?

Need to get out there and do some MAJOR Christmas shopping I feel like this ice winter storm has put me way behind on getting anything like that done...Can't do anything but wait for the roads to unfreeze....lol...luckily the water well hasn't froze but my grandparents and my aunt&uncle's did.

can get out into the pastures to hay and feed with feed truck...but gotta be careful!

j.

Monday, December 2, 2013

men of few words....

Relieved to get Thanksgiving over...It's always rather stressful and hectic---as is Christmas which is on the way next.oh family time...*eyeroll*

Spent this past week with Grandparents...Didn't get to see Dad...I saw some vehicles at his house but I didn't stop...Weird I know but I just drove on past...I suppose whenever he wants to talk to me or stop by to see me he will...I'm really still kinda unsure of what's going on with him.

I've always wanted to just have a "normal" family...No second guessing, or craziness of the " bat sh*t crazy" variety kind!!!...lol..But oh no not me...I get the most stressful, confusing, insane family to belong to...but you can't pick your family as they say....I was born into this craziness...I don't know why I question it or that it even bothers me actually.....it's been this way my whole life.

I get my feelings hurt over the stupidest things sometimes involving them and it's just because they are all sooooo hard to figure out..They will say things or react in ways that I see as not caring enough or showing enough emotion and it confuses me....But I think that's just how it is with most men in the ranching/cowboy business...They don't show much emotion...quiet.

I will cry and cry to myself about something they don't say or do say to me about things because I take it that they don't appreciate me or think I'm just stupid when in fact I know that's not true..They'll say to me:"Why did you think that? I'd never think you were stupid." or they say:"Just because I haven't talked to you or been to see you doesn't mean I don't care about you.".....

Just men of few words in my family....See, I'm the only girl and it's kinda tough considering i'll be all emotional/pms and they're all business, serious and know ALL the ropes of the cattle business...yes..i'm still learning but I want to be taken seriously and at least shown that they do appreciate me...

In some weird way I want them all to be proud of me...I'm guessing it's because I look up to all of them as role models and I am watching them and learning more everyday.

maybe I need to just think like they do more often..show less emotion about things and not get so frustrated? be less insecure.stop over-thinking and over-analyzing.

freezing rain on the way this week and snow...yay!*sarcastic face*

Saturday, November 23, 2013

icy roads.....

It's been a hot chocolate(with marshmallows!) kinda week...Oddly when I drink it late at 8pm I get VERY sleepy.....lol...along with my electric blanket set on 7.....ahh...sleep.

Felt like ice skating on the highways this week...Saw a lot of roll overs yesterday...I went with some friends to OKC to go early Christmas shopping...well we had to turn around and go back home because the roads quickly got icy and the sleet freezing instantly on the windshield of the truck...We got rather scared!!!

It was sorta like all the traffic was one big road of bumper cars....

we finally got out of the traffic and out of OKC to a smaller suburb and stopped for a quick soup and sandwich then onto a casino and played the penny machines for about 30 minutes til the highway cleared a little--it was so packed with people driving and oh man...those crazy idiots driving 90mph on the icy roads....STUPID.

when we got home I had scrape my windshield for 30 minutes with a ice scraper and as soon as I would get it all scraped off more sleet would fall and instantly freeze back!.....I had to stop once or twice on the way to my house and re-scrape the re-freezing off my windshield and then the wipers decided to freeze up half way home...luckily they waited til I was almost home....lol...my hands were about to freeze off...I forgot my gloves---Miss Forgetful!

funniest phone call last night when I got home was one of my friends calling to see if I got home ok...and I asked her:"What are you doing?" she goes:"Watching one of the billion Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel...these are pretty dang good!"....

they are pretty dang good I guess....haha

snow on the way the next few days...only downfall to the freezing temps? having to break the icy pond water at 7am!!!





Tuesday, November 19, 2013

christmas decorating already?....

Been busy the past few days...Had to have a welder do a lot of repairs on a gate....Someone backed into the gate this past weekend and totally damaged it...awful...

whoever did it must have been partying too hard or something....ran off the road or tried to drive through it whichever I don't know.....but I am beyond mad...I hate how people have no respect for other people's property and try to tear up everything with their stupidity...it costs extra $$$ to repair stuff!....oh well...

Seems as though everyone is putting up their Christmas decorations in the house and outside super early this year....lol....I'm standing there thinking:"Woah!....slooooow down it's not even Thanksgiving yet!"....haha...I guess I will try and take down all of my Fall decorations in the house and start decorating for Christmas this weekend..might as well.

I gotta buy a new fake tree Friday...lol...the one I have now is falling apart..it's old..

It's so funny how people get excited about the snow/ice/freezing rain forecasted end of this week!...haha..I hear them in the stores/café/gas station saying:"You hear about the snow coming in this week?"..it's kinda cute how they're all excited about it...I suppose it does make you feel all Christmasy when snow isn't an everyday occasion here in Oklahoma....

I know where I wanna be right now...back on ski vacation in Taos!!! ;)
 
pic from my vacation in march.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

extra fuzzy cow?...Harsh winter prediction?.....

Finally able to sleep sound again.....It's been great with the weather being cold and rainy...LOVE IT!

Today I was looking at some of the cows that came up in the corral to eat, and I noticed that quite a few of them have put on A LOT of fuzzy thick extra hair on their hide...

I saw my "Blue" (the steer) he came over and greeted me with a lick to the arm,hand,and face.....I said:"Oh my goodness Blue you're so fuzzy! Are you turning into a wooly mammoth??!".....LOL.

sure, it could be their winter coat i'm guessing?...Not all of them have it yet...I've always wondered the TRUE answer to that question.....oh, the things I question!...haha!

???

A man over at the cow sale this summer said that IF you have cows putting on extra fuzzy hair that it predicts a harsh winter on the way...I'm wondering if that's true, as my Grandpa said:"Nope...it's just their winter coat..kinda like all animals shed and gain their hair with the changing of the seasons."...

I like to believe the man at the sale because I like all that Farmer's Almanac stuff...lol...

it could be because they have been turned out on winter wheat recently...but who knows?

Sunday, November 10, 2013

dangerous weekend......

Wow...been quite a weekend....I finally ventured out to town to do a little shopping and boy, did I get myself into a mess!!!...just minding my own business and the ONE DAY I finally go to town and this happened and my car on this day of all days wouldn't start?!!! just my luck.

I went to the local city and went to a shopping center...when I got checked out and ready to head out the doors to the parking lot, to get in my car---there was a parking lot full of ambulances/fire trucks, cop cars, and highway patrol cars...lights blazing and everything....I thought:"OMG! what happened?!"...I looked across the aisle where I was parked and saw a section of yellow police "do not cross tape"....it was surrounding a vehicle in the parking lot....

a cop ran over to me and told me:"You need to leave quickly we are evacuating the parking lot!"....so I panicked totally..got into my car and the stupid car WOULD NOT START!!!...I had a car full of purchases and good thing I had put them in the trunk..it at least was out of view and would lock....

A few guys ran over to try and help me with my car(I greatly appreciated that!)...but it wouldn't start!!!...just my luck ya know?...all I can do is laugh about it and kick that stupid car....LOL....

so a cop runs over to me and screams:"You have to leave now! evacuate!"....a random guy offered me a ride to somewhere..but I declined(unsure of him) so i just ran with my purse and my rattled nerves to a local restaurant all the while not even knowing what the heck I was running for or from...

when I got into the restaurant all the people inside were watching out the window and a few women at the table across from me told me what happened and what was going on...Turns out a guy was suicidal and was making threats in the parking lot inside his vehicle and they thought he had a dangerous device he was gonna use in his threats...he was barricaded in his vehicle!

Yeah what a day huh?...for a quiet/usually calm cowgirl...it was unlike anything I had ever experienced...it was all of the sudden.....I was soooooo SCARED....just me all by myself in the local larger city and my stupid car wouldn't start!.....

I hung out in the restaurant til I saw on my phone internet that the guy had been arrested and they re-opened the parking lot...my brother drove from his work an hour away to help me get the car started...and a very nice man in the parking lot helped us...(I thanked him repeatedly and offered him $20 for his help)..but he declined...kinda restored my faith in humanity with all the people offering to help me out in my distress!....

turns out it was the stupid battery cable in the car that wasn't connecting right,,,totally embarrassed/scared....BUT oh well i'm safe and sound...and got home that evening with all my purchases...

life is crazy and some people scare the crap outta me sometimes...but as my brother said---"Get used to it...always be aware and ready for anything unfortunately...it's just the world we have to live in and get by in."

never a dull moment around here.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

first freeze......

I like this song...good one I think.

So glad I wasn't involved in having to move round bales today...I don't think I could have survived the dusty hay...I know why they call it hay fever...you're so allergic it makes you sick with fever eventually from sneezing and coughing so much....Luckily everyone knew I didn't need to be messing in the hay...they put all the round bales into the barn today...weather is changing and the elements aren't too good for hay...lots of mold issues..quickly



I can manage just fine with the dew-eze on the feed truck...that way I don't have to touch or breathe in the hay with the windows up!...lol...

 
Had first freeze of the season finally last night...I checked the antifreeze in the truck yesterday eve, and it was ok....Man, it got really cold out there...it was freezing this morning!..I see that it unfortunately didn't kill off any of those darn flys!..I thought it was supposed to kill off flys and those kinda pests?....and it's supposed to kill pollens in the air as well?...hopefully that's true!
 

Feeling a little better*fingers crossed I keep getting better*..still have a mild cough....If you ever need cough drops(which I can't stand them when I need them) I bought a bag of those Hall's Strawberry cough drops and they aren't too bad...tolerable...probably gonna buy another bag or 2 tomorrow to make it through the week incase I need them..haha
 
nite.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

clean up the pasture.....

Windy all day.Rain coming in the next few days...Yay!

Cleaned out the corral finally and rid it of stupid sticker weeds!..or as we call them around here---Burrs.Those things are very tough to rid your pastures of...they take over quickly...I have sprayed and tried everything but still they come back! not good for anything!

went to the sale this weekend then had a great Saturday dinner with friends at a Mexican restaurant....was a lot of fun...sort've nice to get out to town after being sick this past week....feeling a little better now..still kinda coughing...but hopefully that will go away soon.

my uncle is thinking about trying the freeze branding...liquid nitrogen...pretty dang cool I must say!....I wanna try that....it might be slower or more expensive?...but it's supposedly better for your herd....who knows!...i'd like to get my own branding iron custom made...my own design instead of the traditional family brand..ya know step out on my own and make my design...something with a star/heart/J. in it...expensive i'm sure but I could order it..

randomness---my new sequin slippers I bought this weekend! comfy/girly/sparkly----mine.

gonna call it a day....haven't showered yet and i'm sure I smell wonderful after working all day....i'm soooo sick of feed sack threads/hay twine/sticker weeds---everywhere...the wind blows them constant..more work for me...

nite

Thursday, October 31, 2013

goodbye october!!!.....

Yeah so it's Halloween!!!...
 
Staying home tonight...it's been rather windy and damp feeling...not good for me to be out in tonight...I had several invites tonight, but i'm just staying home and thinking about how I should have went somewhere tonight.....LOL....sometimes when I feel that it's best to stay home from something I usually end up being completely right about it!!!...
 
I would have probably been miserable at any party tonight or seen someone I didn't wanna see...haha...ya know how that goes.
 
of course I have bought a big bag of
 
I will regret the sugar tomorrow..but I say Who Cares!...some people I know are probably at the bar tonight partying somewhere anyway, as is my Dad and everyone else!....but me i'm not.....
 
I have to agree with Ryan this world doesn't make any sense to me either...I mean, I find myself wanting to stay away from society more and more...it's just the weirdness with people and the way they treat you/act/think/behave...it's just truly confusing and i don't want to try to figure them all out..you can drive yourself crazy worrying with this dysfunctional world we all have to see and live in......
 
I suppose that's why I like to stay home most days and work with animals...NOT people..of course I'm not a hermit or psycho I DO have friends and family I see and spend time with...haha!.it's just the strangeness of people in general out there ya know?
 
I'm not going to be someone i'm not or change my life to "fit in" as those people think i should...i'm happy they can have their weirdness and go on about their own business.
 
see you in November!....lol.
 
nite.

Monday, October 28, 2013

smalltown health care.....

Foggy all day...I had a lot of errands to do, so this morning I called and got the P.A. to call me in a new antibiotic--3 day Z pack....last night I coughed non-stop...I took a hot shower which the steam did seem to help a little at 1am...my head/neck/chest and entire body hurt bad this morning....Advil has helped with that.

What really makes me mad is how in the smalltown nearby that's closest---they have a small medical clinic with limited equipment and a nurse or 2...but no real licensed doc...just a physician's assistant who can write prescriptions/evaluate you, but isn't really too keen on what's going on with you....but has his attitude that he believes he is a real licensed doc....lol....where's the licensed docs?...I guess they don't wanna live in the middle of nowhere and get less pay or be talked about....ha.

Like Grandpa said today;"Smalltown politics, everyone knows everything and everyone's business(they think)you can't get away with anything..everyone knows your every move"....haha...I couldn't get away with anything if I tried and I live in the country!!!..My Dad lives down the road from me....LOL!
 
Everythings kinda always a rip off around here when it comes to doctors or anything like that...like today when I called in to tell the nurse my antibiotic gave me an allergic reaction she says:"Oh, he may want to see you before he calls in another prescription.".....I got mad and I told her:"No...look,i was just in his office to see him a few days ago I paid you already....he already knows what is wrong with me..i just need my medicine changed so I can get better."....she cleared her throat and said:"OH ok!....um....I will tell him, i will call you back.".......

See, it's all about trying to get more money out of you clearly....why is everything a total rip off anymore?...yes, i'm grouchy but geez....i'm sooooo tired of "the run around" about everything!!!

of course that took all day---finally called it in at 2pm and it takes me awhile to get to town...Totally ruins my whole day when i have stuff i gotta get done and then have to wait on the P.A. to decide when to call in a new medicine for me....all the while i'm feeling really bad and grouchy....lol....

nite.




Saturday, October 26, 2013

allergic reaction....

Been a rainy day....my favorite kinda day actually...rain makes the fields/pastures grow.

guess I don't have to help plant wheat fields this week! yay!

Was up most the night last night coughing, wheezing, sneezing...couldn't breathe....found out from the pharmacist that I am allergic to the Bactrim antibiotic the Dr. prescribed me....yeah..just great huh?...I have been itching all over last night and this morning after my morning dose....I felt awful...so far I have taken Bactrim/6 tablets over the past few days...the allergic reaction showed itself last night.

pharmacist told me today to stop taking the Bactrim antibiotic and take Benadryl....so I took 1 as a dose, then another 1, 4 hours later....still sneezing like crazy...so I gave in!....I took 2 more separately spaced apart by 2 hours...now the sneezing has STOPPED!...finally.....relief.

man, it's been rough with the sneezing, coughing, wheezing....and they are all allergic reactions to this Bactrim antibiotic...never again.

I will call the Dr. on Monday and get some other antibiotic to fight this bronchitis/sinus crap....miserable....really wish I wasn't an allergy sufferer!!!...being that I work in allergy causing situations every day...and I love all my animals..who also all cause the sneezes unfortunately.

my big allergies are to stupid ol' mountain cedar and ragweed....we've tried to push out every cedar on this place with the bulldozer...just for me!...lol..besides mountain cedars love to suck up all your water sources..they will drain your land dry fast.

nite.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

not just a steer...he's my pet.

On Monday--finished getting all the calves that need to be weaned, loaded up and moved....Those guys always get through fences somehow and they're pretty good sized calves...It's like magic or some vanishing act they do to get through a fence line....lol.

Had a huge long talk with the men(elders) in my family about selling my steer....His name is Blue(named after my fave color) I raised him on a bottle and fed him in the barn until he got big enough to pasture out...His mama abandoned him an no other cow could take him....so someone had to raise him...and it was me..Of course I have fell in love with him and he is more a big ol pet than just a steer...he runs out to greet me in the pasture and bucks and kicks when he sees me....aww!...he licks my arm and hand so I will pet him....it's really cute and I see him as a pet NOT just a steer.

He's been banded so he's a steer now...really I wanted him for a bull for the herd but there's already a bull and you know they would fight..so at my Grandpa/Uncle's/Dad's advice I had to have him banded months back.....So now sunday nite they all had a talk with me about selling Blue because I could get about$1200 for him right now with prices being so good...and...I...said....NO!

Of course it's going against all a real cattleman stands for and especially in this family...I'm the only girl and naturally I see things differently than they do....Sure I will pass up $1200 because I love Blue he is like a pet....I raised him and he is attached to me...they think i'm crazy and disagree...They kept saying "That's no way to work an outfit...you can't keep it running wasting money like that kid!!!"

I know they think I am crazy for not wanting to sell him..but he's a pet to me...and I think it should be my call on this one.....$1200??? who cares he's staying.

oh! and finally saw the Dr. about my sinus infection/bronchitis---gave me Bactrium.....hope I get better!

Saturday, October 19, 2013

perfect fall day....

 
I did some baking today and I made pumpkin bread with cream cheese icing.
 
Sooooo GOOD! everyone agrees....guess I can make pumpkin bread?...haha..
 
It's been ALOT cooler this week and is starting to really feel like fall....perfect baking day.
 
It' so funny how people get "all about the pumpkin" this time of year...lol...Well, it's hard not to--pumpkins are everywhere....All of the stores are running low on pumpkin pie mixes and pumpkin in the can...Luckily I took the advice of friends a few weeks ago and stocked the pantry with pumpkin in a can, pumpkin pie mixes and also other various canned items....
 
the stores around here don't keep their shelves stocked....so if you don't buy something when you see it..you may have missed out this season...oh to live in the middle of nowhere!.....haha...but I love it..being isolated in a way...
 
 
the past few days have been busy...I have a lot of things to get done this week...don't think i'm going to church tomorrow i'm just way too tired..
 
 
xoxo

Monday, October 14, 2013

never will be the same.....

Life is funny.....People come and go in your life..They leave, they die, they disappear, you hate them, you love them, you despise them, you miss them...your heartbreaks-it sometimes heals easily and sometimes it never does......all apart of your life story...living life.

the oddest part is standing in a line somewhere after not seeing someone like that after so long and just thinking about them randomly...and realizing that they are no longer a piece of your life.....kinda makes you sad in realizing that...like it kinda just finally hits you in the face one day ya know? after so many years....I think:"Man, I really miss them and I wonder where they are or what they are doing?"....Then it sinks in:"Oh. yeah..why care!..never gonna see them again...never will be apart of my life ever again."....

and some people I have had come into my life that's probably a good thing I will never see some of them ever again..lol...but others it's so heartbreaking...some people DO oddly in fact come back into your life randomly...it's crazy, as I have had some great friends from highschool suddenly appear in my life again over the summer.....it was one of those:"OMG! where have you been for 12 years girl?!"Why did we ever stop talking?! What happened.?"

I do question a lot of those what happeneds and whys....weird...I guess that's craziness of life..part of the game.

the sadness is not getting people you cherish back....there's just always something that will be missing in your life..sure new people come into your life and all...but they can NEVER replace them....just a substitute..like fake sugar...not the real thing!...haha...I mean it looks like sugar and sweetens tea like sugar but it's just phony chemicals..... ;)

I remember a going away party for a great friend several years ago,well after the party and the friend left for a plane out of here me and another best friend looking at each other and crying:"Never gonna be the same without that crazy guy around here."...I said:"Nope...never" 

Life will always be sorta off center/weird and just not right without them....just going on through life the best you can---trying to smile along the way/be happy!....lol...and you'd give anything just to talk to them but can't......

but that's me anyway....

Friday, October 11, 2013

pumpkin spice cream cheese......hmm.

good driving song.
 
Dust in your face, dust in your eyes, dust in your mouth, dust on your clothes, dust in your hair, dust in your truck, dust in the sky, dust everywhere!!!...
 
I seriously need to invest $3.00 in a dust mask.....or i'm a gonna die of pneumonia caused from dust!!!..lol...I have asthma and that only makes it worse....
 
Just got back from a cow sale......
 
then went to the grocery store to buy a few breakfast items...I bought bagels and pumpkin spice cream cheese....haha...actually I tasted the pumpkin cream cheese and it sorta tastes like pumpkin pie....lol...hope that works for breakfast.
 
going to help a few friends with some cows this today/evening..moving them...always fun!!!..*sarcastic face*
 
xoxo

Sunday, October 6, 2013

hilariously hiding something from me.....

The weather finally got cooler last night.....I slept really good...BUT I woke up with a allergy cold thing...yeah...bleh!!!...sneezy/coughing/headache can't breathe....the whole thing....just wonderful.

I will say one thing, this cooler weather is the BEST for working outside...the animals love it as well...

went to church this morning to be sociable in town ya know....lol....so they won't think i'm a total recluse...haha....the feedstore, gas station, oil/tire change, and the café know that i'm NOT a recluse!...I probably give them at least a quarter of their income....Haha.....joking....well the feedstore will really be banking on me and others in a few months....

really been upset for one of my "greatest best friends from highschool" she's been dealing with depression and it's been really tough on her this year considering she lost her granny who raised her..i feel soooooo bad for her..she's a great person and doesn't deserve all that pain...she calls me crying some nights and I just cry with her.....you hate to see your best friends go through depression and be in pain....all you can do is be there and listen.....

I don't know if I've ever been actually fully depressed..i mean these past few weeks have been tough as you know...but I haven't been that low....and I hope I never have to be in that position and despair....so I just keep my prayers out on the line for everyone I love/care for and others who need comfort in bad times.....

What you don't know is that I already know and I don't care!!!
today I realized something about my relative who I have been upset about.-----Why do people go to great lengths to cover up all the bad things they have done and hide them from their loved ones?....

Look,I understand you are ashamed of yourself...BUT....Why not just tell me and get it over with?...because I probably already know and don't really care...I love you anyway.

I have a feeling it doesn't really matter to you that others know about what you have done...I've been told.....but oh my goodness! How you are afraid i'm gonna find out!!!..so much so that you are in tears and almost suicidal that I might find out...you've gone to crazy measures to keep it quiet from me..LOL!..so in some ways I suppose I can say that at least you care about me enough and love me enough to want to keep this stupid crap from me...haha!!!...it's actually quite hilarious how far you have gone to hide this stupid BS from me....LOL...

and to see YOU of all people be in such a weak state and suicidal over ME finding out this stupid stuff???!...I'm sorry but LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!That's too funny! but I suppose it's because I look up to you and you're supposed to be a role model for me throughout life and you know that...it would kill you for me to see you as a criminal...but I never would.---it's not terrible stuff...but not good either. 

You're hurting me more being so evasive and secretive....STOP trying to protect me from the truth.....I really don't care whatever you have done.....-----I have a feeling it will soon be all better....things will look up--this all rests on your actions not mine---so fix this upset feeling...only you can.I have hope.staying positive! I do realize and understand that I am not the one with the problem here.it's nothing I have done at all.it's something you are afraid of me knowing about or figuring out.like I said., probably already know.and yeah whatever who cares.no big deal people make mistakes like that everyday..it's called being a human being...lol

nite.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

not much to say.....

this was on the radio today...love it.

Today has been a kind of weird day I suppose you could call it...Is it just me or am I too quiet around large groups of people?..sometimes I just stand there and try to smile and laugh at their stupid jokes that are truly unfunny...lol....

some people just talk non-stop and I feel like a dork or something just standing there with nothing to say......sometimes I just don't have anything to say I guess.....I think more than I talk..which could be a good thing maybe?....i'm a girl of few words..i spend most my days home working...I don't see many people actually.....i'm used to talking to fence posts and animals more than people...haha!!!..and that's alright with me.

thinking about the neighbors and the stupid feud they caused on this property a year or more ago....sad really..people don't think about their actions.....but oh well, I guess that wound won't ever heal between us all over that....sad because I don't wanna have any negativity with anyone ya know?.....

I would hope that I have more friends than enemies....their land disputes/property lines disputes/their trash dumping and trespassing on my land then they screamed at me.....a year or so ago......still they hate me because they got called on their actions!.....I haven't spoken to the neighbors since then...but I don't hate them over it they need to get help for their addictions....

seems as though they hate me still.....because they got caught in the wrong?...

some people.

my brother told me I care too much about everything....he's probably right....I've got a great brother though...he tells me the truth not a bunch of crap that I wanna hear or believe.....

going to put a sealant around the windows outside this weekend...winterizing for winter...before the cold sets in...this house was built in the 30's and remodeled...it gets cold and too hot...but it's home...I like the fact it's so old.....it's got that "old farmhouse on the dusty plains" charm...lol

another day done and I still have questions and feel unsettled in my heart....can't sleep too good either lately..i lie awake and wonder what is going on with my family......hopefully I will have answers and feel better about all this soon....if not i'm gonna go crazy.







Monday, September 30, 2013

daydreams PLEASE come true.....

Spent today waiting on the welder to finish installing a new gate on the road back behind the barn that winds onto this place...Yes it's got a big padlock on it now!...Due to the fact that there has been so much stealing and trespassing at night back in that area of the place...It's a lot of stealing everywhere...anything junk iron they can pick up and carry off or sell at a pawn shop they will get it.....

I know times are tough for everyone but geeze, don't be a jerk and steal from people...if someone would just ask me if they can have junk iron or whatever is over there I would sure think it over for them....but stealing???....seriously!...i'm just really concerned about cattle rustling..sometimes at nite when I can't sleep and I hear a vehicle stop down the road and a few cows are mooing I think:"Oh No!...I hope someone isn't rustling"..i peek out the windows and everything....like a scaredy cat...lol..

there has been a lot of county cops drive through the roads at night out this way so hopefully they will keep a watchful eye out for prowlers...lol....but I've got a gun and I will defend myself/place if I have to....

spent this weekend with a few friends went shopping and had pizza.

one of my friends brought up how much she wished that she could live in her daydreams....IF ONLY that could happen right?!....I don't daydream of anything outrageous or extravagant.....just wanting things to be right with my family....the way I want them to be....what will happen and where will we go?all the fun we will have again......man...I sooooooo hope my daydreams will come true the way I want!...I mean come on world!!!...i'm not asking for hardly anything...just those few simple,silly things I envision for my family and i.....please..please.....haha....i'm trying anyway*fingers crossed*

nite.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

think positively.....

I like this song...

As always I love fall...it's my favorite season...I've decorated and I am excited for the cooler weather this week....Changing of seasons is always fun...kinda out with the old in with the new...change is always awesome...but only if it's friendly and on my terms....right?....lol

i'm feeling better today after talking with my grandma who informed me that what I encountered last week with a beloved family member was not at all what I thought....there was a reason for the emotionless soul looking back at me and uttering a few words...and that yes this person I cherish DID in fact cry as I drove away and DID wipe away tears...*yay*..lol.....

see,i don't know the half of what is REALLY going on right now....she said it's best for me to remain in the dark about it all....there will be light at the end of the storm....she said sometimes people have to do all they can to protect us from what surrounds us we don't know of....because they love you so much....

I know there was pain there and now looking back at last week I could see it in family member's face......grandma's words gave me hope and shined light on what my heart overlooked...all I saw was the feeling of emotionless cold pushing me away...and I don't think that's what it was at all now really...PMS can cloud your mind!...haha..

I just have so many questions and things I wanted to say that I didn't get to say...but I wouldn't have gotten the answers anyhow because I can't have them..yet.

so I have hope and I shall keep a positive attitude....I am loved and cared about by this loved one...

besides....it's not December yet.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

things you wish you didn't know....

Sometimes you wish you didn't actually know all the bad things about people you love...all their faults and misbehavior...it makes them look less in your eyes ya know?.kinda a huge let down and at the same time breaks your heart.....

after this past week my heart has been through a lot of turmoil(read my last post)....I found myself hitting the road everyday of the week to escape home and my feelings....and the pain I have felt because of the way a family member treated me-basically like I didn't matter....I traveled halfway across the state with friends just to try and escape my heartache and feelings.....but it didn't work.......

I found myself surrounded by laughter and positivity and all the while fighting back a ton of  sad tears....No i'm in no way a drama queen or emo...it's just that I get my feelings hurt easily and especially who made me cry is what hurts the most....I wasn't screamed at or belittled or made fun of..it was just like I didn't really matter or exist that hurt me most.

I've tried a million different ways the past few days to explain my family member's behavior....and I can't do that..i don't know what this person is going through actually...I just know some real troubles this person has gotten into..things I really wish I didn't know...(tears)

but maybe it kinda causes(family member) pain to see me...because of the circumstances in their life?....I don't know really....i'm no fool and I sense a bit of that there with them.it looked like they wiped tears away as I got into the car......sure I don't know even half of the crap that is going on right now but something would be good to know, even a little bit.

I find myself this week wanting to do something to throw the pain right back in my (family member's face) so they can see how I felt..i want them to feel the same way....i'm hoping they do...just to think that maybe this week they cried all night too would make me smile ya know?....I can only hope!!!*fingers crossed*

and now my world is turned upside down all because I saw this family member and felt no warmth at all.....I've gotta get over this somehow and deal with the pain...but it has totally given me a negative outlook on holidays and the future....

i'm the girl who slaps a smile on her face and portrays happiness and positivity even when i'm crumbling inside and so hurt.....i'm really tired of being that girl...just once I want my family member to be upset over me like that..and cry..to see how it feels..

at least maybe then I could see that they care....who knows maybe they already have.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

heartbroken.....

I think I get my heart broken everyday.

All it takes is the wrong words or reaction from someone I love/care about and boom! heartbroken.

I spent the most of yesterday evening and last night up until a few hours ago at 1am til I finally fell asleep...to finally stop the crying....and why I don't know.

there's been so much turmoil in my family for the past 2years where I don't even know anymore what is really going on..who really cares about me? and who doesn't really?...it just really hurt me yesterday after seeing a certain family member and having that person be sorta cold and indifferent...kinda like I didn't really even matter anymore....I just kept a stupid smile on my face and stayed positive to this person and cut the conversation short and left...all the while crying my eyes out on the way home...

it just really broke my heart and I don't even care anymore...you know you have people in your life you look up to and sorta put on a pedestal in your life because you think so much of them and when they basically brush you off it really hurts....

I'm so upset I'm thinking to myself that the whole world is coming to an end, i'm totally moving far away from my family, and how stupid was I to think that they really care about me...your family is supposed to be warm and caring toward you...but I guess not.

i'm so heart broken over the way I was treated that I don't know if I will ever get over yesterday...sure this loved one could have been having a bad day...but it left it's impression on my heart and broke it the damage is done.

why do I even care anymore?

I should be used to being let down by people I care about by now.

Friday, September 13, 2013

i'm baaaaack!!!....

Wow....it's me blog....4 months later--here I come dragging myself back in here.

I've been internet-less the past few months due to high winds and computer problems..somedays I have wondered if I would EVER get my internet back up and blog again!!!

you know how things go out here in the middle of nowhere...yeah so....

I had a lot of exciting things going on the past few months...like the tornados in OKC...getting reacquainted with old friends I thought I would never see again....and I learned that yeah I can live without internet and all the techy things in this life.....it felt good again to just be tech-less....

I'm just fine without all the extra knowledge of useless things floating out there in the online world.

I have missed iTunes though ;)

and my notebook diary is dirty and worn/torn....covered in cow poop.....haha...

still haven't seen my dad....but I have hope I will.....miss him.

anyhow.

happy Friday the 13th...lol

julia

Thursday, April 25, 2013

prickly pear cactus....

Talked with the insurance man yesterday about filing a claim on the barn after the horrendous "tornado-esque"(haha) winds that blew part of it away....a cowgirls gotta have a barn!....lol....It's leaking really bad now when it rains and that is no good for the animals, feed, hay.....causes mold and it's cold(hey that rhymes!..lol) in the winter IF I were to let it go and not care....BUT I do care because that's part of my life.... ;)

The claims guy came out today at 10am and took pics of the damage and wrote down everything he needs to get me my insurance money...he walked ontop of the house and the barn!....he's brave...The damage was mostly on the barn but he said he could see it took a few shingles off the house....again...me and shingles on the house are always a mess in the high winds...so hopefully I will get some good money on damages so I can fix things up around this place...they should pay off good because their insurance money I pay in is really expensive and getting more so every year.

really hoping I could get enough money to spray for termites in the barn because those suckers are eating that west wall up inside....and fast...I hate so many bugs that sting/bite/harass/annoy you...just like people...lol...all species have their termites I suppose...

I found a prickly pear cactus growing out in the pasture on the hill today while out checking the animals...I dug part of it up with a good root system on it, and planted it in my flower bed....with my tough gloves on of course..My Grandma and my Aunts are all like:"Honey, are you CRAZY?...You will NEVER get rid of those cactus they never stop you're gonna have a whole yard full!"..LOL....whoops!...oh well, they look cool in the flower bed, rather rustic and I like the pretty flowers they make on them...plus they will grow when nothing else in the world will..

according to Eli he said this kinda cactus tastes pretty good...but don't think I will attempt that...Even though I have seen them in the grocery store minus the ouchy needles, I'm afraid I might see things if I ate them and I don't wanna do that!!!...yikes....

we have talked about this cactus ALL freaking day!...after today I know all that I could ever wanna know and then some about the prickly pear cactus....I learned that my Grandma and Aunts hate them with a passion and then google and Eli told me the culinary side...haha.

if all else falls through i'm sure I could be a cactus farmer...Bwahaha!!!



Sunday, April 21, 2013

Oklahoma and the mentally ill.....

Insane or what?

This weekend I briefly encountered one of the most--off the wall, insane people in town and I actually made him laugh and he really SPOKE to me actual words and didn't scream at me like he does everyone else!!!....write this one down in the history books people!

Whenever I am forced into a face to face situation I usually don't panic when I am faced with the probability of a conversation I just wing it and always bring in humor and laugh a lot...that's how I deal with situations involving insanity...I just laugh..I've learned to..life is crazy and about 99% of all of us humans are too....so who knows what'll happen! be prepared and laugh.....all you can do I say..especially when it comes to other human beings....

This guy in town is really spooky to everyone in town...he's been homeless, a bad drug addict, he's stays in bad health....and he doesn't talk to people he just screams at them...Everyone says he has been declared insane and was in an asylum at one time..but he ran out of money$ or left for whatever reason and roams all over town...I always have felt sorry for the guy and people like him ya know?.....he's burnt his brain from all the drugs they say...very sad.

anyway this weekend I was standing in line to pay for my breakfast at the café and he walked up beside me and he was in my way..i said nicely:"Excuse me sir,i need to get by.".....I wasn't thinking about who he was at the moment because I never pay much attention in the mornings...everyone completely stops talking and they all stared like:"Uh-oh!"....he looked like he was going to scream at me so I said:"Is this the café or the casino? there's so many people in here talking I can't tell the difference!"...and I laughed...it was dumb to say, but I said it nervously...

He looked at me and he laughed:"All we're missin' is some machines and tables."....Everyone including me was SHOCKED he replied back in a normal speaking voice..not screaming!!!...So I laughed back and I said:"Haha..yeah and the strippers!"....(because they're always at the casino looking for guys in the early hours!..gross).....Haha..you know me-anything that pops into my thoughts i'll make a joke out of it!...he laughed and laughed at me saying that and then he smiled at me and he said:"You have a good day young'un"....then he left...LOL....everyone in the café looks at me and they're like:"OMG you just talked to him and he didn't scream Jules! holy sh*t!!!".....

i'm proud of that!....I talked to the un-talkable without getting screamed at....holy cow!...everyone always says i'm easy to get along with and down to earth...they must be right....I just like to think I treat everyone equal and as a real person who does have meaning in the world..mentally ill or not or whatever-they just wanna know they matter I suppose ya know?..I always go out of my way to be nice regardless of the insanity they may be....but I would avoid a dangerous unstable person/situation of course...but this conversation was sorta forced... 

Little fyi for you-----Oklahoma needs A LOT of money invested in many more mental health hospitals/clinics and programs..our state falls short in that area of care for people....and I am NOT joking when I say that...Oklahoma needs to spend some money on getting the mental health clinics/hospitals for those people...lots of people in this state need that mental health care and are left without it...kicked out, untreated, and they just roam town and cause trouble like he does...unending cycle with them...really heartbreaking to see...


nite-nite

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

tornadoes tonight?.....

Hopefully we will survive...issued a tornado watch and a possible tornado sighting nearby..

If i'm not online a looooong time you'll know what happened..I blew away....LOL....

hope the cellar doesn't have water in it!!!..I forgot.

xoxo

Sunday, April 14, 2013

jealous, insecure, and unhappy women.....

Rather warm outside today......shorts,flip-flops,t-shirt on...went cruisin' with friends this evening just got home.....radio up, windows down....great day...when you are stressed or troubled just go cruisin' down the highway or any back road...totally clears your mind...we did some awesome Car-e-okee!...LOL....

Thinking about how a suppose-ed friend has been acting the past few years....Can't believe she would ever think bad of me or she would betray me but I guess our friendship has come to the end of the road and I suspect she may have a TON of secrets she has been keeping quiet trying to portray her life as one big beautiful fairytale to me.....I have realized some things lately that I never saw before in the past few years...

First off after she finally got married and had her first baby with this husband of hers (she chased around and practically stalked) she immediately started saying she thought I was waaaaay too flirty with her husband(I would NEVER do that to her or anyone)..Soooooo then it turned into she could NEVER go anywhere without his permission(loser!)I was never invited over anymore because omg! he talked to me!...yeah.....so then she had baby #2 when I hear that her husband is cheating on her(she thinks it will save her marriage)...I was nice and threw her a baby shower and then she's icy cold to me once again...all because her husband said I was sweet and cute...get where this is going?....

I totally quit talking to her husband whenever he was around because she was soooo insecure about me talking to him....I just smile and say "hi"......still she was jealous...then she up and has another baby #3 I went to her shower to be nice, bought a nice gift...she turns icy cold once more and starts saying things to me like:"Julia you need to be married I have a guy for you to marry..why don't you have kids?"...I told her:"No that's ok I don't wanna be married or have kids..i like being single/free and I've never wanted to have kids....life isn't all about that you know? there's more to life than that."

I never bothered her or called her all the time or infringed on her life/family life in any way...but after being friends since we were little girls she turns on me like that all because she is unhappy and insecure in her life/marriage!!!...It really hurts my feelings..it's the worst feeling to feel that way after all these years of friendship to find that she is THAT insecure and threatened by me...I can't believe how she has turned out...

everytime she has turmoil with that husband of hers she has another damn baby!....LOL...well at this point she's gonna have a whole village of children if she keeps on like this....good lord that's ridiculous all those kids she keeps having to "save her sinking ship marriage"

I hate to be tacky like that, but she deserves it after the way she has treated me.

I wonder if guys have these kinda jealous, insecure, unhappy friend problems?

when I declined that offer to date this "great guy" she was fixing me up with, she became enraged and totally quit calling me or anything...(turns out the guy she was trying to force me to date was already married with kids)..yeah great friend she is.....all because she is insecure as hell in her marriage and fake-ass fairytale life she tries to pass off.....I have realized that is all true after talking to some great super sleuth friends who have indeed told me what is real with her...

I should have seen that jealousy coming from a mile away over her "man"....haha!...*eyeroll* god.......like I would ever mess with her stupid husband! that's ridiculous.

people get unhappy with their life decisions and start in on other people's lives because they are super jealous of them and try to treat you like some kinda freak because you don't wanna be married or have kids like them...well, guess what?! I don't wanna be UNHAPPY and MISERABLE like they all are---too much damn drama with all that BS..haha!.....AND if somebody doesn't want a husband or kids that's their damn business!....I sure don't..i'm happy being single/free and having my own money.

jealousy causes a lot of drama and unfortunately the end of great friendships..

and NEVER believe in fairytales BS....guess she learned the hard way...ok, I will stop being tacky...promise!..lol.

i'm ok with ending a great friendship with someone like her as a friend...who wants a friend who is that jealous of you that she goes to desperate lengths to be that cruel to you.

oh well.



Wednesday, April 10, 2013

wintery thunderstorms.....

 
Had the craziest mess of weather last night and this morning....Thunderstorms + winter weather right afterward!...You could hear the sleet hitting the house this morning right after hail and lightening, freezing rain...now it's gonna be 25 degrees in the morning....well.....there goes all my hardwork that I did planting garden and working on my flower beds!*disgusted*
 
I worked sooooooo freaking hard planting/tilling and watering the garden and the flower beds this weekend...for no reason I guess because now it will all freeze out and croak in the morning after the freeze.....*looks at sky and shakes angry fist*NOOOOOOO!....maybe it won't be too harsh on the plants...I LOVE gardening and stuff like that...fun for me.
 
I planted potatoes(earlier) jalapenos, onions...luckily I haven't planted ALL of the tomato plants or seeds..Whew! good thing..I mean seriously weather!!!Come on! who ever heard of a freeze in April like this?...not this girl!
 
Tried a black berry-peach sweet tea at a Sonic yesterday...Woah!..hello--it's awesome.....Everyone is getting them..."Have you tried that?!"..You go:"Oh yeah it's amazing!"...how sad are we?!..LOL!..Tea=warmer weather....Time to put away the hot chocolate...well except for tonight...geez it's freezing...
 
had to mow for Grandparents this weekend and from now on I suppose til they get a new mower!!!Some stupid idiots stole their lawnmower near the barn!...$1200 mower GONE!..How low and sorry to steal from old people or anybody for that matter..Oh,i bet you I can throw a good guess out there as to which pieces of trash stole it.....told you they were all driving around looking for something to steal--sorry trash!!!....
 
"Someday Julia, be patient" I know, I just gotta be patient...but I hate waiting....when I want something soooooo bad to finally take place. tick-tock goes the clock...i'll just keep on smiling because I know something and it will be hilarious!..Hahaha!
 
nite nite

Sunday, April 7, 2013

liquid eyeliner & haircolor.....

Haha......Colored my hair this weekend!....I had to of course take the dark brown out with a bleach kit from the beauty store...Then I waited a day and ran to Walgreens and just bought this cheapo box off the shelf and colored it this color....It's really pretty...lol....

Oh the fun of having a weekend hair coloring party with your best friends!.....at least I didn't dye mine fire red like some people.....(amy) cough cough!....haha

Lacey dyed hers like a chocolate red brown and everybody else went bleachy white or gold...I just went to this color...it's fairly toned down..nothing too bright....I easily become bored with things so I always have to try and change things up a bit..that's how I roll!...haha...

Always kinda tough when washing your hair to make 100% sure that you don't get any hair color in your eyes because it can blind you ya know?...that's the only part I get nervous about really.....because if the color ends up whack you can still bleach that mess out and start all over....lol


Morgan said she used henna dye once and she would NEVER do that again...ever...took ages to get it out of her hair...even bleach wouldn't work....so I stay away from henna dye...You can save yourself at least $100 on hair color just dye-ing it yourself...I spent probably $20 total on coloring my hair and it's pretty long........at the beauty shop it would cost me no less than $100...seriously...you gotta get the hang of it to get comfortable with coloring it yourself.....have to start sometime to learn as in anything in life..but invite over a few best friends on the weekend when you got nowhere to go or nothing to do and it's crazy fun!

bought a new eye liner this weekend too, I ALWAYS use black liquid eyeliner on my eyes...I love it...it looks very professional and it creates a beautiful look to your eyes...it's like painting sorta..brings out your eyes.....everyone says I have very pretty eyes all the time--sweet of them to say! but I think it's the eyeliner!!!..lol.....I use waterproof always and that stuff doesn't move!
 
xoxo